you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
