You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
bring money and cleavage
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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