fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
