lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
