So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
