Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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