I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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