Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
