I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
