Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
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