Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
