I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
