mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
