You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
