I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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