woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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