i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
