So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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