The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
