If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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