happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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