i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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