Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
