Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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