You're my little dorito
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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