If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
