I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
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It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
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Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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