just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
