last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dear god my vagina.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
