you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
