im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
