There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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