Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
