Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
