if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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