I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
I'm going back tonight
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor