I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?