i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
