No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
