You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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