Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
