my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
