It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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