So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Your cock deserves a montage
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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