The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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