Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
don't judge my taste in strippers
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
