My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
