i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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