also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
