he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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