Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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