that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
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