Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
