We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
