I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
