i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
