masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize