Umm I'm too high to move.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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