Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
