you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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